By Emily S. Gerson

When someone in your family or close to your family dies, your inclination may be to not talk to your children about death. You are worried it will upset them, or that they simply won’t comprehend it. In fact, many experts say that it is very important to talk to children honestly about death, and that they understand more than we realize.

In a study published by North Dakota State University, it is suggested that the best time to talk to children about death is before a close family member dies – not after. Use a moment from everyday life to start the conversation, such as driving past a cemetery, seeing a dead animal or plant, or even from seeing something on television. One conversation isn’t enough; you need to discuss it periodically since it takes children some time to fully understand the concept of death.

The National Institute of Health says some adults put up a communication barrier when it comes to death; they avoid talking about it and the children sense this apprehension, so they are hesitant to ask questions and may develop unnecessary fears. On the other end of the spectrum, parents shouldn’t confront children with a conversation about death if they are not ready to talk about it or don’t want to. There is a fine balance and you should:

• Answer questions simply and briefly, in a way that is age appropriate
• Give them honest explanations if they ask why you are upset about a death
• Listen to and accept the child’s feelings
• Maintain an openness so they feel free to communicate with you about death
• Be sensitive to the child’s need to communicate when they are ready to talk about it
• Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t know the answer to something or that different people believe different things

Experts say it is valuable to bring children to funerals and to visit dying loved ones rather than hide them away. It will help the child accept the reality of death, though they should be thoroughly prepared for what they will see and experience beforehand. However, a child shouldn’t be forced to go or made to feel guilty if they don’t want to participate.

According to the University and the National Institute of Health, this is how children understand death at different ages:

Newborn to 3 years old:
Children at this age hardly understand death, but they do pick up on the fact that the family routine has changed and that some family members are emotionally upset. These children may have changes in their mood, eating, and sleeping.

Age 3 to 6:
They start to understand death at this age, but may still think it is magical or impermanent. They may also start to develop fears about death, with frightening dreams or thoughts that dead people are cold and hungry in their graves. Euphemisms like “sleeping” and “resting” for death will only further confuse them.

Age 6 to 9:
Death is better understood as something that happens to everyone, and while many begin to realize it is final, some children may still think the person will return. Fears about death may develop, and when a death occurs, the children may have a fear of abandonment of other family members. They often personify death with skeletons or angels and don’t see it as something that will happen to them. Children at this age are usually curious about the causes of death.

Age 9 to 12:
These children are beginning to grasp death’s permanence and they realize it will happen to them someday. Anger and guilt are common reactions to a death, and death may be viewed as a punishment for bad deeds.

Teens:
Teenagers fully understand death’s permanence and know that everybody will die. When someone close to a teen dies, they may feel responsible, guilty, lonely, or angry. At this age they will often begin to wonder about the meaning of life and some begin to take more chances.

While this is a blueprint for how children react to death, all children are individual. They will all ask about death at different ages and be affected by deaths in different ways (such as a family pet versus the death of a grandparent). Some may explore death through play instead of talking about it. Regardless, parents should act as sympathetically as possible and always have open arms. The cliché “knowledge is power” is especially true when it comes to discussing death with your child.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 16th, 2009 at 7:25 am and is filed under Family & Friends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.