Technology, Grief and Remembrance
By Bonnie Cooper
The process of remembering someone we’ve lost starts the moment we learn of their death, and for most of us, continues our entire life. As the years pass we suffer a second kind of loss – the fading of our memories. Because coping with our loss is so overpowering and those first few weeks are spent in a state of shock we seldom consider the things we can do to capture precious memories for the years to come.
Computers, the growth of the internet and digital photography advances have added several new options that improve our ability to capture and share these memories.
Typically the first few days after a death include a gathering of family and close friends. For many, funerals and weddings are the only occasions that bring so many family members together at once. Because humans have a powerful need to share a story about someone who has died, these gatherings provide a once in a lifetime opportunity to capture the story of the deceased persons life. Consider having a family member or friend use a video camera to record these gatherings. The events can be recorded as they happen, unscripted, or as an organized project similar to a journalist conducting interviews. Try to capture the unique life of this person. Their attributes, passions, things they liked to do, what they were like as an individual and as a professional.
Ask someone to be in charge of collecting other items important to remembering your loved one such as photographs, family videos, memorabilia, artwork or hobby paraphernalia. You may want someone to scan any documents (newspaper articles, wedding certificate, etc) so that copies can be shared with others. It’s also a good idea to have pictures taken of other items that evoke memories of your loved one, such as their car, motorcycle, garden or favorite rocking chair.
Many people who have suffered loss will tell you that they remember very little about the days leading up to the funeral or the funeral service itself. They know a thousand kind and loving words were spoken, a hundred hugs given and received, but a wall of grief and shock surrounded them. Often times, a few months or years later, they wish they could remember those days and all the memories shared as a way of honoring their loved one. Some funeral homes and churches offer the option to have the service video taped. While this may seem unusual to many, it allows you a permanent record of the eulogy and other events of the day. If the service includes an open coffin be sure to tell the videographer if you do or do not want footage of the coffin and/or body included.
Music can play a powerful role in grieving and an often time invokes strong memories and feelings. One of the most common ways of personalizing a funeral or memorial service is by choosing music that was meaningful to the person who died. The internet is an excellent place to find and purchase songs you may want to use. Most home computers now include the capability to create music CDs. You can combine songs from your own CDs with any you purchase from the internet and produce a CD for the funeral homes use. Check with the funeral home for any rules or restrictions they may have. A musical tribute CD to be given to family and friends can be a wonderful way to remember someone. (For help finding music appropriate for funeral/memorial service, visit The Memorial Music Database at http://littlecoop.100megsfree5.com/)
Another new technology related service that is growing in use is the webcast of funerals. When mourners cannot attend in person – due to distance, illness or other constraints – they can view the funeral ceremony over the Internet. Options include a live broadcast, or access to the service (which has been recorded and digitally stored on the provider’s server) for a period of months.
It’s common to see a picture board of the deceased at the service. Because the technology to produce custom DVD presentations is now available at a reasonable cost, the picture board is being replaced by a DVD slide show. It offers several advantages over a static picture board, the most important being that it can contain a large number of images that would be impractical to display due to space limitations. It can contain converted video footage, scanned photographs and documents. Another advantage is that copies of the DVD can be given to family and friends as a permanent remembrance. Not all funeral homes or churches have the equipment for displaying a DVD show at their facilities, so ask when making arrangements. You may still want to have one of these tributes made for yourself, family and friends. You may find that someone you know has the ability to produce the DVD on their home computer. If not, you will find many places on the internet that offer this service and provide “rush” service if needed.
While the bittersweet joy of paging through a photo album or rummaging through old trucks in Grandma’s attic isn’t going to be replaced soon, we can use technology to gather, record and share our memories.
