Coping With the Loss of a Pet
When their Australian shepherd died, her owners dealt with the pain of their loss by crying on each other’s shoulders, writing a eulogy that reflected how loved and how missed she was, and finally burying her ashes with a favorite toy beneath a backyard memorial stone. They had been down this road before and allowed themselves to grieve in their own ways.
But not all pet owners let themselves grieve, at least not openly. That may be because society frequently makes the display of grief over a lost pet seem inappropriate. Dr. Stephanie LaFarge, senior director of counseling at the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, says that attitude needs to change.
“The first message pet-owners need to hear is that grief is normal,” she says. “It’s not mental illness or depression, and it doesn’t make them less human for crying over the death of a pet.”
Taking Care of Yourself
As important as allowing yourself to grieve, says Dr. LaFarge, is taking care of yourself. If grief interferes with a person’s appetite and sleep for more than two weeks, it may be a sign of depression and professional help should be sought. Sometimes owners immerse themselves in guilt over the pet’s death—a gate they left open or a call to the veterinarian that should have been made sooner.
“They need to acknowledge these questions, not paper them over,” says Dr. LaFarge. “Usually, it’s the most responsible owners who feel the most guilt and, again, it’s normal. They have to understand that over time they will heal.”
With children, parents need to be honest about the loss of the pet, especially if it was necessary to euthanize the animal. Although the parents and veterinarian must determine if it is appropriate, Dr. LaFarge says that children allowed to witness the euthanasia have been shown to cope with the loss better than those who don’t. Above all, she says, don’t shut them out; rather let them know the family sticks together in sad times.
Dr. LaFarge cautions against immediately removing all reminders of the pet. Instead, she suggests, memorialize the pet by having a corner where pictures are displayed or compiling a scrapbook. It will give family members a place to go to think about their pet. And contrary to popular advice, don’t run out right away and get another pet.
“You don’t tell a widow not to worry, that she’ll be remarried within a year,” says Dr. LaFarge. “Each relationship with a pet is unique. We generally recommend waiting at least a month before getting a new one.”
December 26th, 2006
I can understand the wisdom of waiting to get a new pet, but my personal experience was that the act of getting a new kitten the day after our beloved cat Hobo was killed by a car was the best thing our family could do. In our grief, we were able to welcome a tiny kitten into our home… an adorable reminder of the beauty of our first cat and a clear example of the circle of life. Our joy at the new kitten’s antics and cuteness in no way diminished our love or memories for Hobo, but rather helped us deal with our grief in a way that worked for all of us. Barbu outlived Hobo by 11 years. I would say that Hobo would have been happy for us.
December 26th, 2006
I need a copy of a memorial service for a pet.
July 27th, 2007
Dear Friends,
As the Chair of the Interfaith Association of Animal Chaplains, I am grateful for your article post, as well as the last comment. I think both are accurate. For many families, waiting to allow time for the normal grief process to occur, is very healing. Of course there are times when a family or individual may wish to adopt another animal after a beloved pet’s death. Why? There are simply too many unwanted pets in the world, and adopting a new pet is a good deed. I think this decision will vary with each person or family, and only they know what is best for them.
It is widely reported, however, that grieving pet owners find suggestions to adopt a new pet right away as insensitive. Please keep this in mind when consoling a friend or relative.
Opening our hearts and loving is never the wrong thing to do. Each person will do so on his or her own time, and should not be rushed.
To anyone who reads this who may be suffering from the pain of the loss of a beloved animal friend, please stop by and visit AnimalChaplains.com. We have many grief support resources available to you.
Yours in peace and loving friendship,
Nancy Cronk, Animal Chaplain
AnimalChaplains.com
January 3rd, 2009
I too want to say thank you very much for the posting. Our Australian Shepherd died right before Thanksgiving in 2006. We had to have him put down due to medical reasons.
Our vet did it in such a compassionate way. She put a blanket down on the floor and my husband and I both held Caleb in our arms as she gave him the shot. My husband sobbed uncontrollably for a very long time in that office. He had not cried like that at the deaths of his parents. This alarmed me at first but it was just part of his grieving. They let us stay and say our good-byes.
We decided to have him cremated; and they spread his ashes on a rose garden. This gave us a lot of comfort. Also, friends sent us beautiful cards and notes.
My husband had pretty much decided not to get another dog. Then one day that next March, our vet called and said they had found an Australian Shepherd puppy roaming the streets and would we like to come and see him. My daughter and I went to meet him; the vet offered for us to keep him just for the weekend; my husband said ok. My husband bonded with that little puppy immediately. Zeus has been with us now for 5 years and is much loved.
As the comments state above, everyone’s situation and reaction is unique.