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How to cope with grief: resentment

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  1. #1
     
    how do i deal with the fact that i blame my husband because i couldnt be there when my dad died, when i was told that my dad didnt have much time left. he said that we would wait and see what would happen. a week later my dad died.
  2. #2
    • Jack
    • Jul 23rd 2010 edited
     
    I don't think the resentment is an easy thing to deal with. My mother went through a similar circumstance several years ago when my grandmother was in the final stages of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).

    My mom allowed herself to be told "no, please don't go" by her then husband, for reasons ranging to uncertainty about length of time away to budget (she would have had to taken a leave of absence from her job). When my grandmother passed several weeks later, my mom felt guilt at not having been there. She also felt resentment/bitterness towards her husband for dissuading her from attending to her mother. Within four years of my grandmother's passing, my mom was divorced - due, in part, to this event which she never forgave him for. (I'm NOT saying that will happen to you. Just sharing my personal experience.)

    Ultimately, I believe two things need to happen to "get over" the issue. 1) Your husband needs to apologize and acknowledge that he played a role in you not being there at an important time. 2) You need to stop giving your husband the power to tell you when and where you can go.

    I'm very sorry about your dad and I hope you can work through the resentment towards your husband (he may be feeling tremendous guilt about telling you to wait - if so, try to forgive).
  3. #3
     
    thank you for your advice jack and i will try to remember it,our marriage has been rocky since last year and losing my dad has made things worse
  4. #4
     
    I would like to share what I read yesterday which hopefully will give us "food for thought today".
    "When we do not let go of our upsets,difficulties and disappointments,they become burdens on our shoulders.We must stop struggling with our circumstances,let go and accept what we have been given.To accept life and to accept ourselves,not blindly and not with conceit,but with a shrug and a smile.To accept in the end existence,not because it's just or reasonable or even satisfactory,but simply and plainly because it's all we've got.
    When the infant comes into the world,it has not thought that the world can or should be any different from what it is.As adults,we are constantly trying to change our surroundings.Then we get frustrated because we cannot.We can work for things in our life that we would like to see bettered,the trick is to do it without getting angry at the world for having problems in it."

    I wrote the above on the ' moving on'..thread in the 'Miss me ,let me go' discussion ( on March 2007) which I have forwarded for your contemplation trulylost. I think when things are already so sad , why make it worse?

    We can only be responsible for every decision we make for ourselve. Your husband did not tie you down or did he? It sounds like at that time you both agreed with that decision.

    Be thinking and praying for you,
    With Love,
    Fauziah.
  5. #5
     
    In life my granmother always told me there is a reason for everything. We may not no it now but one we will understand. I know the sadness of a loss but maybe it was not meant for you to be there. Reason I speak of this is when my grandmother passed we was there. The one closest to her was my mom. Shortly before we knew for a fact she had a week to live my mother was present for short periods. She had met a guy and he wanted her w him. She chose that and i held it against her for a long time. In gods eyes i believe there was a reason for this. Dealing w granmother dying was hard so hard i wouldn't go to the funeral. I sleep in her bed for 6 months and bathed her feed her and i resented my mom but in the end, I don't think that she would have handled it. I think that is why the Lord made it possible for her to spend time with her but also to give her a reason to live for.
  6. #6
     
    Dear Butterfly, Thank you for sharing your story. Your grandmother was very wise in believing there is a reason for everything and by being and doing things for your grandmother you are obviously richer and stronger from your experiences.You now understood why your mom couldn't have ' handled it' By this realisation you were able to let go of the resentment, which can only be healing for you. Feelings of resentment by itself is neither right nor wrong, it is only how much thought we put in it. It is part of a learning human experience, if we put too much thought on resentment and not learn from our feelings from it we are letting it take control of our lives. It is fine if you like being in that state of mind but if you don't then you have the free will to learn from it and move on towards greater understanding and self awareness. We really cannot blame someone else for how good or how bad we feel about ourselves because we have to take responsibilities for our own actions.
    I do believe that as transient travellers, our time here is limited and that we learn from all our connections with others, families, friends, aquaintances, work mates, and yes even strangers, simply by being aware of them and by our response to them help shape our own awareness of who we are.
    It can be hard for some to accept that as you said 'Lord, made it possible ' For us to grieve so deeply because while in such deep sorrow, we forget too easily that 'Lord made it possible' for us to love deeply too. So really things happens for a reason and if we can only let it flow, we will in time understand that we are given only what each of us can individually handle to attain some level of spiritual growth.Resentment can be an opportunity for spiritual growth, not through denial but through love and understanding
    Wishing you peace and joy,
    With love,
    Fauziah.

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