Start A New Discussion

To start a discussion you have to be logged in. Not yet registered? Do it now.

Community

Loss of child/infant: Back in the tunnel

1 to 30 of 30
Bottom of Page

  1.  
  1. #1
     
    It's seems like a really long time since I posted on here in a state of despair, but that's what's happened. I felt like I was making enormous moves forward pulling myself up and out of this tunnel of grief, but since Monday I find I've slipped back down and now am at the bottom again. I've read many postings on here from others who have said what I'm saying now, so I know this is not unusual, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fear and hopelessness that is engulfing me right now. I just needed to get the words out of me and into the universe hoping that will help me release all the stuff I don't want to keep inside. It's strange how this works, but for some reason when someone witnesses our pain it helps dissipate it and that's what I'm hoping for right now. I've been fighting this for a few days now. I don't want to leave the house, the thought of going out makes me physically ill. I'm back to not wanting to face each new day and only wishing for the time to be with Marti again. I don't know how to get past this right now. I'm trying to remember to get back into taking the days in on hour increments for now. I've made a lot of wonderful friends on here since I first posted in November. I need to feel your love right now to help get me through this.

    Mickey
  2. #2
     
    (((Mickey)))

    Sending my love and many hugs to you, my dear friend. Some may disagree with me because everyone deals with their own grief differently, but speaking for myself, I think the first year after losing a child is the most unbearable. There are so many ups and downs...the rollercoaster ride of grief. Our feelings can change from one minute to the next, Mickey. We never know.

    I wish I could say something magical that could bring you up out of the tunnel, but I can only say that I always ask God to help me through the bad days, and He always does.

    Love,
    Joey's mum
    Katy
  3. #3
     
    Thanks Katy. I just feel so alone and hopeless right now. I know there is no way around this pain and that I have to go through it in order to get past it. I just didn't expect to get thrown this far down again.

    I still haven't gotten back into a relationship with God so I can't even ask him for help, so it looks like I'm on my own this time.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  4. #4
     
    Dear Mickey, I am sorry you are feeling sad and lonely.It is true while grieving this low feelings are enhanced.I am also concern what you said that the thought of going out is making you feel physically sick.There is nothing out there that will make you physically sick unless you are already feeling physically unwell perhaps due to lack of sleep, poor nourishment and may be too much thinking time. You may need to address these issues first perhaps have a check up.I find when I have low days I drop everything and make myself do somethinmg physical, tire myself out then have a good sleep.Things always seems better after a good sleep.Can you call someone closer to home?
    Be thinking of you,
    With love,
    Fauziah.
  5. #5
     
    Hi again Mickey, Just went to look at my diary, to see how I was where I think you are now. I found this verse which helped me.
    "Footprints"
    One night I dreamed a dream
    I was walking along the beach with my Lord,
    Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life
    For each scenes I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
    One belonging to me and one to my Lord,
    When the last scene of my life shot before me
    I looked back at the footprints along the sand
    and to my surprise,
    I noticed that many times along the path of my life
    there was only one set of footprints
    I realised that this was at the lowest
    and saddest times of my life.
    This always bothered me
    and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma,
    'Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
    You would walk and talk with me all the way
    But I am aware that during the most troublesome
    times of my life there is only one set of footprnts
    I just don't undersatnd why, when I needed You most, You would leave me'
    He whispered, " My precious child,
    I love you and will never leave you,
    never, ever during your trials and testings.
    When you saw only one set of footprints,
    it was then that I carried you".......by....Margaret Fishback Powers

    Sincerely hope this will help you a little. Wishing you peace and harmony.
    With love,
    Fauziah.
  6. #6
     
    Fauziah - thank you for the poem. It's one I know well and I appreciate your sending it. I always find when I receive something I've known it's because I need to reminded of the message it brings.

    Over the years I have had to deal with bouts of agoraphobia which I've pretty much recovered from with a lot of therapy and hard work. It started in 1981 after my cancer diagnosis and I was told then it's very common when people go through trauma in their lives. Marti helped me at that time and we conquered it together. While I've not been allowing it to control me any longer it seems to be getting harder and harder for me to go out again and I recognize what it is. I can usually push past the physical feelings if it's something that I really want to do, but right now nothing is important enough to me to make me want to fight it. I have a volunteer job that I do on Wednesdays and I did make myself go yesterday even though I didn't feel well. Right now I'm just at an extremely low point and the feeling is that nothing really matters. I know this is temporary - I need time to get through it.

    Thank you for caring.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  7. #7
     
    Hi Mickey,
    Just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts,I hate the dreaded
    black hole and when I slip backwards I ask Lee for his strength to help me move forward.I truly believe that our children help us from the otherside,so my friend ask Marti to carry you for a while and show you the way forward.I also get so angry with myself when I slip backwards but have come to realise that although I have good days I also have to accept that the bad days will always be waiting in the wings and there s really not alot I can do when they come except ask Lee for his strength and guidance to bring me back on an even keel.Funny enough just the other morning I woke up and just did nt want to get out of bed,the minute I do that I know I m not doing to well and it takes all I ve got to fight it.Mickey you are never alone Marti is always with you as are all of us.I send you lots of love and strength,you will come out the other side, my friend if I was with you I would wrap you in my arms and carry you through myself.You ve all come to mean so much to me when you hurt so do I.
    Love Always
    Sherylxxx
  8. #8
     
    Sheryl
    Your words mean so much. I can feel your hug through cyberspace. It does help. I've come to learn that these backslides do happen and I'm trying very hard to just go with it and not fight it. I know if I can face it head on I will come out the other side eventually. I have been reaching out to Marti this week asking her to help me get through it. I spent some time this morning with her sweater wrapped around me to help me feel her hugs too. I know she is here with me, sometimes it's just not enough. I so miss her physical presence, hearing her voice, seeing her smile and those beautiful blue eyes twinkling.

    Like you, everyone on here has come to mean so much to me and their loving support will help carry me through this one. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it takes time to heal.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  9. #9
     
    Dear Mickey, as you know I've been busy trying get this move done here with very little energy. I just took a quick glance at Otrib today while at this house and saw your post. I too have fallen down face first and it's been like this again for a while. We lost both of our beloved kids within a couple weeks of each other last November. As soon as I get this move wrapped up, I want to do more personal emailing again. I just want to say you're a very special woman/mother and you're very loved by the people that post on here. Just try to hang in there. God Bless...... Rich Sr
  10. #10
     
    Hi Rich - I've missed you. How is the move going? How are you doing? I guess we are both in the same place and just need to believe we will make it out of here. I look forward to your e-mail when you have the time.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  11. #11
     
    Dear Mickey, Im so sorry you are back in this tunnel again, but want you to know that I am thinking of you and understanding what you are going through. I have found when I have slipped back, which to be honest doesnt happen as much as in the early days, though it does happen every so often, sometimes without any catalyst. I read my words of the last "tunnel!" in the journal I keep, and everything is "despair hopelessness, spiritual death, end of everything, anxiety, fear- you name it, and I have found that these words go round and round in a hopeless circle, and when I see them I can step back and view them as the object that someone once told me to do when I first lost Laurence. afterwards they disappear from my thoughts, and (almost 2 and 9 months later) I start feeling a little more normal again. I know what you mean also about wanting to hide away and not face the world, but you must take your own advice here and try and make those baby steps again. Another good and helpful tip which was given to me, is that when the tunnel happens, allow yourself to feel that grief and examine it, dont push it away, this is what can help sometimes. Thinking of you dear Mickey, you have lots of love and support here. Love from Edwinax
  12. #12
     
    so sorry mickey .. I know you are having a hard time so am I .. it is at almost six months for me and i think it is the reality sitting in .. I wish we could get together or someway still all of us could meet up and or be able to help each other in more ways I love having you as a facebook friend and being able to just write our feelings there and also play a few games to take our minds off of things .. I appreciate you so much

    Love
    Sara
  13. #13
     
    Edwina - your words encourage me as usual. I have been trying to do exactly what you tell me here. I'm allowing myself to feel the grief and examine it. The instinct is to push it away, but everything I read tells me to embrace the grief, so as hard as it is to do, I am doing that and I hate it. I hate everything about it, I hate the reason for it, I hate feeling anxious and hopeless. But it's where I am and so I must just plunge into it head on and hope that I really will come out the other side of it. The words of so many others that have walked this path before me keep telling me I will come out the other side of this. And because I believe them and feel the love coming my way I will keep moving one baby step at a time. I'm having a hard time accepting that grief is just another step to helping me along my life's journey here on this earth. Right now I'm feeling weak and beaten and wishing my life's journey was over. But I will keep taking those baby steps.

    Sara - Thank you for your love and support. It is nice to be on facebook and keep up with our friends on a daily basis. We know when they need our support and can more readily give it. And the games do help act as a distraction. I'm trying to not let myself get too distracted so I can face this monster and get away from it.

    Thank you to all the friends I've found here. Please keep me in your prayers.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  14. #14
     
    mickey


    we all are here for you. you are dealing i think normally in this so abnormal world of ours.

    i try to think how my son would feel if he thought he caused all this! he would want us to live like he did -happy fun nice take care of nicole and he d be so sorry his accident has consumed all of us. we just love our children and that s why it is so painful.
  15. #15
     
    Thanks Nina - I know you are right. Your description is perfect - we are trying to act normal in this abnormal world that we are living in. Someone just told me the same thing that Marti would not want me to give up now. I'm just so tired of "hanging on". I wish I could just let go, but that's not an option here.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  16. #16
     
    Dear Mickey, dont try and act too normal, remember what you (and all of us ) have been through. allow yourself this time to grieve. You are always there for others Mickey, and you have tremendous courage and dignity, which from what you have said about Marti, she would be, and still is so proud of you. As you say, embrace it, it is horrible to embrace, but the things that are faced up to and dealt with, make us all so much stronger for the life that we are to live. We will be with our loved children in no time at all, but it is so necessary to allow yourself to go through it and not around it. I think in time, and you are a while behind me in this, you will start to see those little sparks of light, which you and so many others here talk about. Til then, we are all with you as you can see. much love Edwinax
  17. #17
    • JCC
    • Jul 23rd 2010
     
    Hello Mickey

    Im sending you a BIG (((((((((HUG)))))) hope you can feel it, its a horrible place to be is'nt it, hope it passes soon. (Nothing lasts forever good or bad) this in its turn will pass. Take very good care of yourself Janet x
  18. #18
     
    my dearest friend mickey, oh i am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and low, and i know how precious marti is to you, and indeed how her loss impacted so strongly on you, you are an amazing lady, and a truly wonderful mum, what you are feeling is normal, i know that word is so shallow, but it is true, there is no 'blue print' for grief, it has been said and read that there are emotions we all feel that are common in the grief process, but they dont come uniformed, nor are they part of everyone's journey, i have heard so many say that it is two steps forward and ten back, and i know this is true, you grieve as you choose to grieve, you take whatever time it takes to ease the pain that burdens you now, i dont believe time is an issue, i dont know mickey my friend when you will feel 'better' but i do know that feeling as you do, is ok, no one can move another forward, i would like to be able to say that six months from now it will be different or that you will feel the loss of marti less...but i wont, because that would only add further strain, and give you the impression that you are not 'doing it by the book' i threw away that manual a long time ago, i know we should feel this, or do that, but i just get up, and hope that today will be a little brighter than yesterday, it may not be, but that is ok mickey, it is ok to be in a sad place, it is only a short time, so short, and you have been through so much, but you have always been here for me, and you have a strenght inside and compassion that i have been very fortunate to see, i am here mickey for you, i have just completed a book on 'the loss of a child' by an irish author who lost his son at 13, the whole family kept a diary for a year after he passed, and with their thoughts on grief, and the loss of a sibling and son, they shed tremendous light on how they all grieved differently, how some recovered quicker than others and how some still have not fully recoverd from this loss, the one statement that runs through the book, is there is no 'getting over' the loss of someone precious, there is only learning to cope and live without that physical presence, and mickey that is what you are doing, that is what we are all doing learning to cope, learning to live again, and perhaps eventually learning to find joy in the simple things in life! i dont mind how long it takes me, i believe we owe it to ourselves to be gentle and kind to our feelings and indeed the feelings of others, as i know you have been here, so take it easy friend, i promise i will always be here for you, everyone here knows how much marti meant to you, we all know that there will always be a time, when we need each others support and understanding, you have mine, i care for you, we are oceans apart physically, but there is no separating two hearts and souls that feel the same! i wish you peace my dearest friend, i hope for a ray of sunshine in your life to dispel your darkness and i send my love to you and pray you get the strenght and comfort from marti, to cope with this sad time in your life! with love and respect debby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  19. #19
     
    Hi Mickey,
    I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. I haven't been on here in a few days. How are you feeling today? I am sending you all my love and prayers. As you have said, there are going to be many ups and downs. Know that we are here for you. You are a strong and amazing woman. Please hang in there. I know the hopelessness you are feeling right now feels like it will never go away, but I promise it will. Call me if you want to talk. I love you my dear friend.

    Love,
    Monica
  20. #20
     
    To all my dear "earth angels" and I think of you all as just that. I can only say you are truly carrying me right now. Your love and support mean more than I can ever find words for. You have the ability to comfort me because every one of you have walked this road before me and are still walking it. I've witnessed your strengths and helped catch you when you fell too. I am blessed in the midst of all my pain to have found such wonderful friends as you. Now that's a profound discovery isn't it? No matter how bleak and dark life sometimes feels, there is always that spark. I recently told a new friend that we are not alone in this tunnel. There are many others walking beside us and all we have to do is reach out a hand and someone will be there to take it. You my friends are doing that for me right now. I did make it through today. I even was able to push myself to work for the day at my old job. I spent the whole day pushing away feelings of anxiety and tears, but I did it. And feel good about that.

    Thank you my dear friends. I love you all and wish peace for you in your lives.

    Mickey
  21. #21
     
    Very good, Mickey! I know how hard it is....Moment by moment.
  22. #22
     
    Thanks Monica - I love you too. I will try to give you a call tomorrow if you're going to be around. When would be a good time.
  23. #23
     
    I am available now, if you are up to talking. If you would rather call tomorrow, I guess the afternoon would be best.
  24. #24
     
    Hi Mickey,
    How are you feeling today?
  25. #25
     
    Hi Monica - still down here in the darkness but working at walking out of here. I left you a message today - did you get it?
  26. #26
     
    I did get it on my way out. I realized that I left my phone in my car. No one hardly ever calls me, so thats why I didn't notice that my phone was missing for so long. I will call you soon. Love you!

    Monica
  27. #27
     
    Mickey

    Sorry not to see a post here in days. hope you are okay. I think you are just tired of being the rock and need someone to be your rock.

    Someday I hope your grand daughter can be that for you. I m sure she s trying.
    But she is my son s age and I know how they are ! She sounds mature and forced to become mature thru her mom s passing. It is not fair.

    Nina
  28. #28
     
    Nina - sometimes we just need to let ourselves fall apart which is what I'm trying to do. I think it's just time passing that has gotten to me. Time for the numbness that was protecting me to wear off and now I'm feeling the full reality of it all. I'm letting myself lean on all the people who have now become family to me. I know Jessie can't be there with me/for me. Even though it feels so lonely where I am right now, in reality I know I'm not alone and will get through this backslide.

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey
  29. #29
     
    We are shell shocked.

    I know it is sinking in now tha tmy shock is wearing off.

    And that I got Nicole thru high school ,prom and graduation and her party. Glad I was able to do it all.

    Now I feel nothing but despair.

    Lean on us all.
  30. #30
     
    We lean on each other Nina. That's what makes this bearable. I can't imagine how I would have gotten this far without my "new family".

    Love & hugs,
    Mickey

1 to 30 of 30

  1.