Thinking of you Dx, sending prayers of hope and courage,
With love,
Fauziah.

Dx,

I went through the same thing with my deaths. Im not sure my vote counts ive been through so much i feel my mind is gone.

I spent 3 years telling myself the deaths didnt happen created ideas based on that and lies then had to live through the awful truth that yes they did happen. then for a long time and even still now go through that black cloud of pain. It has taken me a long time to get even remotely used to the idea of the truth of what happened.

I am actually to a point where i can say i went through 7 deaths in a year and a half with out that cold chill going down my spine and without being horrified.

I think im to this point because i have gone through that process of accepting the truth and learning to embrace that pain to help me heal.

Such an odd term "embrace the pain". not sure where i got that from probably from here but thats what it seems like to me.


Take Care,


Firefly

I recently wrote something about holding on to what is in your heart.......never let go of what is in your heart.......dont let anyone help you question yourself.......just know who you are in your heart and hold on to it.

I also have gone through that questioning thing about am i crap? Ive come to the conclusion the question is not even valid because everyone brings a unique set of gifts to this world when they are born. each of us must find our "pack" the people we belong with in this world for our gifts to be unleashed so to speak.

I think sometimes it takes a jolt in our lives to see weather or not we are with our "pack". somtimes we find we have the right people in our lives........sometimes that jolt causes us to realize we were never with the people we should have been with. this is why i think that even as horrible as things have been there are gifts that come with the realization of finding out if you are with the right "pack".


Question? the pesron you were talking about in this thread? was it your mom? or was it someone you have realized should have been in your pack to begin with? just a curious question. I was very happy to read you had an ear to listen and some chocolates too. (were they truffles?) Glad to hear your in a better place these days always helps to have those better days and a good ear listening.


Take care,

Firefly

Now i understand about the eyes. Im so happy for you being able to do that. and even happier it was taken so well and full of support. Your very blessed.

Funny how after we unload whats on our mind we want to run............I still dont quite understand that myself even though the answer is obvious......

wish you could see the tat it is so damm beautiful ive gotten so many ohs and ahhhhhs over it.............kinda funny I told the artist that i wanted a tat so beutiful that even people who dont believe in tats would want one..................and thats exactly what he did.



Was wondering where youve been.......

Take Care,

Firefly

k close your eyes and imagine this, dainty leaves two toned across the top of my back and towards my shoulder two very georgous flowers also two toned in between the flowers a dragonfly in very good detail and more dainty leaves down the side of my back..............DX everytime i take a peak at it in the mirror it brings me peace and makes me remeber that through all of the grief there are also beautiful gifts..........wonderful lessons to learn about what is really important in life.

Ok you asked and im going to be real honest here.........You know i lost 7 souls in a year and a half as well as a divorce in between.........I lost every friend i thought i had as well and this is how i feel about coming back from it...........

I felt as if someone came at me full force grabbed me by the neck and slammed me down to the ground.........i feel stripped of everything clothes included.......

this has been very traumatizing for me coming back from it is like walking into a mall naked as a j-bird......in other words im fearful and scared..............every step i take is in fear because i dont know who will try to hurt me next.....every good step i have taken has been met with at least one bout of interfearance from someone Why? Im not really sure........

I got to a point that i needed help so i saw a grief counselor for a year.........she helped me to develop very healthy ways to take care of myself and to be patient with myself.........since then I have found places that i go that calm me and relax me.........I have taught myself to go out and do something when i feel anxious............as far as routines i have been on my own before and taught myself years ago that rituals that i like and develop are whats ok...........ya know like yearly holiday things.

Now a days those steps i have taken in fear are now taken with aprehension........I seem to fail at the new things i try lately but i think its because it feels awkward.

Its kind of like when a woman buys a new dress...........at the store it looks great she gets home and feels awkward in it.......the dress looks fine but because she feels that way in it it changes her attitude............hence changing the attitude of those around her.

Bewildered is a good word kinda like wandering around in a state of shock. Im very familiar with all of that.

When i feel like not being around anyone i put on the sunglasses and go even in the rain............there are two places I go that give me great peace. my counselor told me to protect those places and dont jepordize them keep them mine and mine alone so i will always have them.there are plenty of people who go to the palces i go to but the key is what im told is to not let them become a specail place for you and someone else for if you should lose them you still have your place to go.

let me tell you about one of the places i go to...........there is a small moorage a place for sailboats.......wicked beautiful sunsets..........a lavendar farm.........the sailboats when out remind me of angels..........this palce touches my soul........calms and relaxes me.

Dx you need to find a places that has that effect on you and make it your own. make it your place where no matter what is going on no matter how you feel when your there it all melts away and peace is whats left. I know im rambling here tired and just got home from work.

There have been so many times i have been tearful or anxious and dont know why. what i have learned is that its important to just go with it and the answers will come later........also be patient with yourself it took me a long time to learn to be patient with my feelings but once i did it got a lot easier to deal with the feelings.

Hope this helps, and i hope you get to feeling better.........i dont like those tearful days myself but its all part of the process.

Take care,

Firefly

Sorry about that sometimes i share too much........more than people are ready to take in.

I hope whatever you did, that you didnt want to do, brought you some peace or a big step in the right direction. Im here when your ready to share and if you find you dont want to share it thats ok too.

Take Care,


Firefly

Just thought id drop you a note to let you know im thinking about you and hope things are still going ok for you.

Take Care,

Firefly

Having problems along the same lines right now in a way. My dance classes have been going ok. Something new came up with them that has sent me into a sort of panic. The place i go to has very serious people that want to make the dance prcess a good learning experience. part of that process is to find out more about the student and where they are coming from and why they have chosen to learn to dance. this means i had to come clean with my background a bit so they could understand my reasons for wanting to dance. they know about my deaths now and this has sent me into run away mode. Most people distance themselves quickly from me once they learn about my deaths so I have become used to this. Ive gotten so used to this that once i tell I just automatically keep my distance from whoever i have told.

Needless to say this whole dance thing is becoming very hard to deal with. I force myself to go and am going to continue it. Im just so used to seeing people run from me once they know and it has become much less painful for me if i do the running first so i dont have to watch people run away over and over again.

the lessons i am paying for are very expensive so i am assuming that although people want to distance themselves from me they want my business. I really dont know what the answer is to all of this yet but for now i will continue to make myself go and hope for the best. Its all i can do at this point.


Take Care,

Firefly

You bring up a very valid point...........lets face it ............in the midst of the grief we are our own worst enemy sometimes........i believe you have a very relistic point.......I also am very blunt and to the point type of person......with a hint of rough around the edges.........so i can see myself not giving those people a chance who want to just listen and help.............the problem is kind of a catch 22 because there are so many more people who have just distanced themselves when i was open to having support.

I am going to have to give this some more thought because i truly think you do have a point.

Theres kind of a fine line with it. i dont know how it is for a guy but i have found in a few cases that the discovery of my deaths to some women pose a threat to "thier" circle of friends. In short I am taking attention away from them and they feel this would be a threat to the attention they need of course this happens few and far between to be exact on two occasions this has happened out of many occasions.

Im going on and on here and i know it sounds confusing but im thinking while im typing about this.............You have given me something very interesting to think about and ponder over.

I think you might be right on some of this...............its so funny how its hard to see the simple things............maybe its because our minds are not ready to take in what we need to see and what we need to accept...........who knows

Thanks DX ((((((((hugs)))))))),


Firefly

totally get what your saying. what is the proper reaction? shock? speechless comes to mind. I dont know.

One of the things i had the hardest time with was having the breakdown, acknowledging the fact. when i got to this point everyone left people i knew well and had known for a while. when this happened i felt betrayed like my friends were one big lie

Im sorry to say the attitude that followed was the wrong one. I told everyone first thing when i met them it was my way of getting back at the p[eople who abandonded me. I have even on occasion used this as a way to distance people i didnt care for.

Im not proud of how i have acted but on the other hand I am proud i didnt pretend they didnt all die like my "friends" thought i should act. Who really is anyone to tell me i should be fine about 7 deaths in 6 months.

As time goes by I am noticing that im a bit more discreet now I no longer have that get in your face attitude. (thank god for small miracles eh?)

and also that is a biggy. How is someone supposed to react to this? Our expectations are huge and our hope hangs on others reactions i think. just a guess i know everyone is different.

this is such a huge and deep subject. so many different aspects and feelings i could go on just like you forever about aspects scenarios and outcomes. it realy is a very deep subject.

I really enjoy talking to you about these things too. our chats help me to see more realistically whole aspects of things rather than just small increments of things. its also helped me to grow in small baby steps. Thank you

I really could go on and on cause im loopy tired but will stop here.


Take Care,

Firefly

Hi Firefly,

I am so pleased for you and proud of you... you have given yourself a wonderful opportunity - to put your toe in the water and open the door for future discussion with this person - if you choose and if it turns out to lend itself to this. If not, you have avoided that pain and regret of perceived rejection and the reluctance to do it again.

It sounds wholly appropriate to me... and in reflection wish to project an image back to you from your post... (not meant to be trite, just a measure of how things may have been before compared to this time)

"there was a small line at the ladies restroom. I got a chance to briefly speak with the woman in front of me. I had the oppurtunity to share my deaths once again with a complete stranger"

How much more appropriate is it the level of what you did share now compared to what you may have done previously? Much more I think. 'briefly speak' and 'complete stranger' don't balance out well with 'share my deaths'-more for the other person I mean. I am not taking away from their importance to who you are or the part they play, but some of it (unfortunately) is down to cultural issues & death. That's a hard fact that shouldn't be, but is.

I know that if I am ever asked, I am always ready with a very 'black and bleak' remark that gives no doubt as to what happened but no chance someone would ever talk again.. and when they really didn't want a full explanation and then I feel that they didn't deserve to know that much but I couldn't have told them any less or watered it down - why should I? But maybe this is exactly why.

I will try my own example to explore the meaning of this to myself:

sandwiches at lunch with colleagues in small, modest public/staff canteen: conversation turns to family - 'what does your father do dx?' 'not much, apart from kicking up daisies' (I have said this in the past when much younger). or: he's dead, was killed in an accident....all very blunt and uninviting for more conversation... and also, far more than the initial enquiry required. Much better would probably be 'oh, he worked as a... but he died in an accident...' Simple, maybe but i have never been able to do it.

It's slightly different I know because you are initiating and trying to talk about it where I am reacting to an uninvited comment so already on the defensive - Nonetheless a similar lesson for me to learn here-how I would like to actually initiate discussion in a calm and controlled, relaxed and 'sure' way. It's what it deserves really. Similarly, your deaths are no less a part of you for having done this - you are giving yourself more of a chance to bring them to the fore and keep their memories alive by doing what you did. In their honour. It's a lovely thing to have done. If anything (and as it turns out my example shows), I am doing a great job of denying who I am and he was by doing what I am.. you are now increasing the opportunities for yourself.

I know that it must have taken an awful lot to trust yourself and your 'colleague' to have done this.

I very much admire your courage here and applaud you for having tried it out... it is a real achievement whatever the result because you have given yourself choice.

Well done Firefly.. hope that it turns out well (however that is). Keep me up to date... thank you for your support.

Dx

I would imagine that there's a sense of 'blurt it out' as there is a sense that must do this before this person leaves me too? Through fear, vulnerability and perhaps through a strong, strong need to be heard.

Both these are appropriate and fitting and natural in your circumstances. There's nothing like the terror of thinking people are going to not hear/believe you or leave you to create such a frenzied need to spill all.

Indeed nothing wrong with you doing this - but to pay back to you in the way that you deserve and need, you need for this to be set up well enough to give the situation least opportunity to fail.

I don't know why I can be so logical when the same thing applies to me really.

I am only just learning that I can choose what I say and to whom and what to omit. I am still mainly 'nothing' but les 'all' than I was at the start of this over 6 months ago.

I still want to shout it to everyone in sight - everything and make people stop and pay attention. Perhaps some of it is that there are few people who've experienced similar and it is a searching for someone who may be able to understand.

Well done Firefly. Don't beat yourself up about it or overthink it... it will come... look how far already you have come.

Chin up.. thinking of you.

Dx

When you say 'scatter', do you mean you want to tell and then run - that rings a bell with me and is actually exactly what I have done on a number of occasions when I managed to tell. At the end of a day - or when time is not lending itself to it being prolonged. Almost so that there is an element of control - because telling means losing control as you don't know what will be said back and can't plan for that so the only thing you can do is make darn sure that there is no time to reply.

This helps me to realise because I have spent years blaming people for not reaching out to me but this makes me see that I controlled that and didn't allow it to happen.

Not my fault either. I couldn't help that (I would have blamed myself before today and said - if it wasn't theirs it must've been my fault). It was the fear of losing control. I still hold this now. Won't let go of it - yet! It is gently ebbing away - the fear, not the control.

I always felt that if someone hadn't experienced what I had then they couldn't possibly understand. I have recently learned that this isn't necessarily true and we can prevent ourselves being helped by assuming that this is the case.

Yes I think I am becoming able to forgive myself a bit and ride with it rather than fight against it. I also have a few weeks off counselling so am trying to free wheel a bit to stop myself getting anxious about it.

Hope you are doing okay FireFly. Thank you as always. In my thoughts.

Dx

It's so hard isn't it Firefly?
You're dying to tell someone but don't think that they could possibly understand and then when you have you worry and don't know how to bring it up again and interpret that they don't want to.

I was reminded recently by my manager that a few months ago in my depths of it all I sent him an email on a Friday before I had a week off. I also remember in my late teens telling a tutor at my 6th form by showing her the article from the paper about it cos i couldn't speak on the afternoon before half term.

I wonder sometimes if it's a need to 'pass the buck' type of thing. Hot potato - almost a surrender to say - right, that's it, I've had enough, now you take over. When we tell people in that blurt it out way we actually WANT to give them control and say - now you ask of me, you help me cos I don't want to any more.

Could there be something in that?

I think you are right also about men. They tend to be less complicated. Now I come to think I have only confided comfortably and successfully to men. Interesting. More trustworthy and less judgemental maybe.

I like chewing it over like this - it certainly helps me Firefly. thinking of you and hopeing that things are going okay for you at the momnet.

Dx x

Hmmm I have been trying to put it all away as I have had a few weeks off from counsellor as he on hol. Back next week. I dunno what will happen. Feels like starting over again a bit.

I have lots to say but dont all at the same time. Maybe I simply don't but it doesn't feel right - It hasn't all disappeared overnight and it's still there. I feel like Ihave to have things 'lined up' to talk about or say - like show and tell. But I have tried to throw myself into work to ignore the fact that it feels vulnerable without him to talk to weekly.

I sounds strange to be fearful that I might be a bit better. Even right seems wrong.

Hey ho.. hope you are doing okay at mo. talking is all good.

Dx