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How to cope with grief: My heart stopped when his heart stopped

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  1. #1
     
    The love of my life died on this past Sunday, so very suddenly and young, while we were on the phone together. My heart stopped when his heart stopped at 11:41 pm on Sunday July 11th, 2010.

    I never really believed in this before him, but he was truly my soul mate, the other half of me, my twin flame. He always told me I was his soul mate. And he was so right. He was only brought into my life for a brief time, but I have never felt alive until I met him. And now I am dead again.

    I pray for his soul, that he found his way to a good place and is happy and whole.I pray for me, that I find the strength to keep breathing without him even though I wish for death. My heart stopped when his heart stopped at 11:41 on Sunday night. I am a hole. I am not whole.

    I PRAY he will give me a sign that his is ok, and he is still with me, and he is waiting for me. I need a sign so very badly. To have hope, to make it through the rest of this terrible journey alone.

    How can it be that only a week ago we were together on a beautiful sunny Friday? I held his hand, he kissed my nose, I smelled his wonderful smell. How can such a beautiful, strong, amazing man be gone from my world forever? One of his last texts to me was "Do you know how I feel about you? When I am with you the world disappears. I want to be with you always." How can I live without the beautiful love he gave me? How could God give me such a wonderful gift, and then wrench it from me so very soon? I hope he at least died happy. Knowing he was loved so very much by me.

    This raw pain that gnaws at my soul, the half of a soul I have left, is all consuming and unbearable. I wonder how one survives this? Is this a damnation to hell? What terrible road is ahead of me? God I don't want to go down that road alone, without him. Will I see him again? How can I believe??? How can I go on???
  2. #2
     
    Dear, dear Marcia,

    My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, I know way too well what agony you are going through. There are painkillers for any physical pain, but there is no remedy for a crash of such magnitude...

    The same has happened to me on February 12, 2009. and our stories are amazingly similar...John was young, just turned 45, and we only had 3 months or 102 days together, but when I first looked into his eyes I saw Eternity, that's the word that came to my mind, not love, joy or happiness, in fact, it wasn't even a word, it was just a sense, understanding of something large. We often used the word "surreal" - that's exactly how it felt, it was so unusually beautiful and perfect...until his heart stopped, broke, just a bit after my arrival for a Valentine's weekend...

    I cried day and night for 6 months, there were nights when I was just screaming of pain in bed. I stopped believing in anything - God, the logic of the universe, I was withholding my breathe on purpose in hope that my heart will stop too.

    I also needed a sign from him. I needed to know that he is OK. I couldn't hear people's affirmations that God has a plan etc. It was just way too cruel on God's or Universe part because I never loved a man before and never felt that connection.

    I found this site, and posts by Paul1 helped me enormously, please check them out.
    I also started reading books by renowned psychiatrists (Brian Weiss, Joel Whitton, Michael Newton) on their patients' reincarnational experiences, and that understanding that we all meet on the other side and here, presented from a scientific point of view, involving real people and not based just on a blind belief, calmed me down. there is way too much evidence to disregard it.

    Right now your pain is raw, it's very dark even on the brightest day, and nothing makes sense....but I also know that you will see him again. After reading these books you will not "believe," you will KNOW for sure.

    Big hug and warm thoughts to you.
    Janina
  3. #3
     
    can relate to your post, been 5 years for me he was 33, we were together 8 years, the most amazing and loving man ever. He is at peace, my only advice is day at a time and always remember the love and know your love for one another never stops. Thinking of you
  4. #4
     
    Thank you both for your compassion. This weekend was so unspeakably hard. The first weekend without him. I feel like I am drowning in this unbearable pain,sinking deeper and deeper into a nightmare I cannot wake up from. I am trying so hard to go through the motions of life. But Oh God I am wishing for death just to see his face again, just to smell his smell and kiss his nose. But I have 2 small children that I need to live for so I must go on.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, it helps to know others have experienced this terrible grief, and have had the strength to somehow continue breathing. Thank you Janina for the book references. I have done the exact same thing as you, during the past 6 days that he has been dead. (DEAD. I cannot even comprehend that word.) I have been on countless websites about life after death, and reading an incredible book called The Hidden Face of God. I never really had a solid belief about this before, have always searched for truth but could never just have blind faith. I am trying so desperately to find something concrete and scientific to help me believe BELIEVE that we will be together again, and he is still alive somehow, in some place. I will definitely get those books you mentioned.

    God I miss him so much, every cell in my body aches for him. I have never experienced love like that before either. If there is such a thing, we most definitely are soul mates. Half of my soul has been ripped away from me.

    Thank you again for reaching out to me in this living hell. Your caring and compassion is a small light for me in this terrible darkness.
  5. #5
     
    Dear Marcia,
    Your pain has touched me too .....all the way across the planet...in New Zealand. I can say that I have some understanding of your pain...only because I lost the love of my life too. It has been two and a half years since she died.

    Marcia, your love will be with you. He will be sending you signs that he is always nearby. Just observe...but don't search so intently or you will not see...his prescence will be shown in soft gentle ways...in absolute co-incidences....in synchronicities. There is much scientific evidence that the spirit or soul endures after the death of the body. And it is also easy to find many books in the field of spirituality that discusses this reality.

    I asked the same questions as you have done. The answer to how do we go on? is that we can and do find small ways that help us bear it. And we build on that. But the only real way through the indescribable pain is by knowing that this seperation is temporary. I know with every cell of my being, that I wll be with my beloved Brenda again.

    Find what you need to be able to know this Marcia.

    Sending you healing energy
    R&B
  6. #6
     
    yes marcia we have all gone through it when we loose the one we love i thought my heart would never mend i wanted to die to be with my only child my son we were so close i didn't believe in the after life i thought when you die that was the end and i would never have recovered if i had not gone to a medium whom a friend recommended and she was wonderful she told me things know one knew about him and then i read books on books of the after life its only been 8months since my son died but i am happy as i have had signs from him only two weeks ago as well as others and i know hes with me now more than ever its just his body and hearing his voice that i and you miss but i am putting a little piece of a letter here for you from a book of the afterlife i thought it might help a little to under stand they are with us hope it wont offend you i only wish to help love and peace barbara
  7. #7
     
    "I don't know when the exact moment of death came. i didn't feel pain. I had not taken a breath for quite a while. There was a prickly feeling in my hands. i was paralyzed but fully conscious. My whole life began to come alive before me. I saw it all. i began to wonder how long i could stand there while i was dead. My whole body was not functioning but i was alive. My whole belief was turned around in that brief eternal moment.#I have been dead for nearly a year now.There have been indications that i should move forward and learn more about my surroundings. I cannot however leave you until you hear me. THIS letter is my last resort. I am trapped by your sorrow . IT is my hope that you will read this and be assured i am alright "
    do not grieve my thoughts are with you barbara
  8. #8
     
    Oh God. It has been 10 days without him. 10 days.

    We used to count the hours apart. Two weeks ago, a day apart was excruciating. We used to talk every hour, every day. The hole he has left behind is cavernous in my heart and in my life. Every day a text "Good Morning Beautiful"... every night a text "Good night sweetie. I love you so very much. I am so lucky you are in my life." And 100 calls, texts, emails, lunches, and hours spent together in between. I still remember his voice. I wonder when I will forget.

    Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. I feel so lost, falling down a dark hole, grasping the walls for something to hold on to, but falling, falling.

    I do not have anyone who I can really count on to help me through this. It was a unique situation. I do not have very close friends. He was my best friend. Everyone who I have tried to share this with seems already tired of hearing me, and keeps telling me it will take years to recover, and basically just to suck it up and get over it.

    I am trying to shut up and keep this grief inside me, to not burden anyone with my pain, because I can tell they are going on with their lives and really don't want to hear it. My pain is wholly my own. I am drowning in it.

    So even though I don't know you guys, your caring and kindness is amazingly appreciated and it is a real lifeline for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    I can't imagine years of feeling like this. I can't imagine another hour or day of feeling like this. I want to somehow make it better. Change my attitude. Change my life. Somehow get on a path to happiness again. Somehow. Without him.

    For some reason he is gone, and I am still here. This fills me with unspeakable sorrow. And it pisses me off. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife really. I have been on a crazy desperate quest for answers for 10 days. Life after death experiences, communication with the dead, the afterlife. I have read many very scientific books based on quantum physics, parallel dimensions, string theory, M theory, all the way to cellular biology, many incorporating scientific, spiritual and religious factors.

    Oh God I am trying to make sense of it, to BELIEVE. I have had no signs from my loved one. I think you are right I am trying so very hard, and the need is so overwhelming. I don't want my grief to keep him here, if that is true. I just cannot contain the pain that spills from every cell in my body, I am reaching for him, just a tiny piece of him to hold on to. To get me through the rest of this nightmare.

    I do have hope. I want to be happy again. Somehow. I have children and they need me. I want to be the person I have been the last year... a great mother, a happy person with patience and joy and hope, my sense of humor. I know what i am missing in my life now and it is real love and companionship. I know you cant place an order for this. But I want to be available and open to it now, in case I am ever blessed to have it come into my life again. I will recognize it next time.

    Plus I don't want to be this person, dragging everyone down around me. Crying in the bathroom, in the shower, in bed, in the car. Carrying this black poison inside me, until I explode or ruin other people's lives. Like my children. So I need to heal somehow.

    I am going to see a spiritual life counselor/medium on Saturday, and a family counselor the following week. I hope they can give me some desperately needed guidance, and a plan of some kind. For life after him. I have a lot of difficulty ahead of me. But this person who I have lost has opened my eyes to amazing, true love. It is out there. Maybe I can find something like that again. But I want more than anything to know I will be with this love, my soul mate, the love of my life, when I die.

    Thank you so very very much for reaching out to me in this black time.

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