Hello EJ,
Oh my I am so sorry about your loss. And you are reaching out for help. You came to the right place. We are here for each other. I don't know what to say. You are running on total shock at this moment, and I think, you think, you have no clue what to do next.
I wish I could give you a big hug.
In my expierence, I walked around lost, for quite a bit. I still feel lost. It has been almost 6 months since my husband, died. He died in a very short period of time (27 days) of cancer. I am sad that you had to watch him, like that.
I was also with my husband, as he took his last breath. That will be with me the rest of my life.
Come back, we will help you. God bless you, and I send you strength for the next days ahead. You will need it.
Together in grief and sorrow, Susie

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been a year for me but I remember those early days. This site was a lifesaver for me. My husband died following surgery for esophageal cancer, 4 months after being diagnosed. This is a hard journey to be on, we will be here to listen whenever you need us.
Take care,
Linda

ej you must be a very strong person the days following my husbands death all i could do was cry i could not put 2 thoughts together,without the help of my kids and 2 best friends i don't know how i would have got through those first few months. Its been 9 months since my doug passed away he just went up to bed and was gone before he could close his eyes. They told me he had a blood clot that went to his heart, he felt no pain, he was also suffering from cancer of the bowel and stomach they found it to late to do anything about it. So here it is 9 months later and i still have days when i cry alot. We were married for 43 years and have 3 kids and 4 grandkids they are a great help to me. This site has been a life saver for me but after just 2 days i could never have had the strengh or even thought to go to the internet to find support i could hardly get out of bed or even think so you must be a very strong person.
I wish you the best you are now on a road with the rest of us that we all wish we were never on, this is a hard road to travel so many up and downs.

Linda

ej, Hi i am so glad you found this site, I am so sorry you lost your husband, I lost mine Jan 13th this yr, he was buried the day before our 28th anniversy. This road we are on is so hard, i found out this site helps me when nothing else can. I so well remember the first days, and some times it still seems like yesterday, the first 6 weeks or so i was in total shock, even tho he had termial lung cancer, i just could not beleive it was for real. There are no rules with dealing with this greif, your mind and body are going thur a horrible process, just keep coming back here, to talk, to vent, we all know how awful this road is and we are here for you. You are not alone. Pam

Hi EJ, I started a thread a while back titled "I wasn't ready to say goodbye". It is actually, a title of a book. That is where I found this web site. I tried to read up on grief, and what to expect. Well talking firsthand to people here has given me more insight. I did attend a grief group our local hospital sponsered. It helped me look at things just a bit differntly. I said at one group, "I don't always want to be strong, why do I have to be strong? Why do people say that to me?" and the counsler said, "Susie, just living your life at this point, you are strong". I guess I didn't quite think of it like that.
I sobbed and cried almost every single day for 4 and a half months. I had to clean out the desk drawer, so I could use it. The office was his. That in itself sent me fleeing from the room in tears. I moved his clothes out of the closet, in our bedroom, and the hat he wore. I could not look at them everyday. The garage is exactly the way it was when he died. Can't bring myself to do anything there, but park the car.
So, you see, each of our journeys, are individual. No right or wrong way to grieve. No time limit. You own it. We all do what we have to do, to live day to day without our spouses.
There is a part of Nick in every room in this house. He built some furniture for me, made a mirror, and made everything in wood, in the bathroom. We got married in the front yard of our home. And he died next to me in our bed. I feel him here with me. I can't leave this house, or sell it. He is too much of a part of it, and me.
Ok, now I am in tears, so I will close for now.
Together in grief, Susie

Oh i am so sorry . You are in shock .. I know I was the first few days and he had lung cancer .. he lived 5 months from diagnoses very ill and couldnt breathe was having panic attacks ... I love him so much I have barely made it thru this is five months for me I still am so sad and depressed I cry for him each day . I am trying to figure out everything at this point what do to about bills and how to cope and what is the best route for me to take without him here . and then to miss him so much and his touch and his love he always helped me do the coffee too and helped me with everything
He was the most loving husband ever . He was a keeper and then he had to be gone .. I pray a lot .. I ask God to help me but it is so hard .. keep writing and others are here to help .. look for grief sites there are many and all are different and this one is good and others are good too ..

so many people it is nice to meet someone you can talk to and perhaps have phone talks as you can then have a friend to help you .. How long were you married and how old was he I am a little confused on that ..I am 56 and terry was 66 when he passed away Love sara

Rich and I were both 56 - we married at age 20, just 8 months after we met. he's been gone 12 1/2 months. This is very hard but with a lot of work and tears we learn how to cope. For me now, the grief comes in waves. It hits hard, I cry; then I pick myself up and go on. It wasn't like that at first, I spent hours staring out the window with tears just rolling down my face. But I can see small signs of progress in myself. I don't get angry when people tell me "have a good day" anymore. At first that just broke my heart - why couldn't they understand that wasn't possible? Now while I'll never have good days like before, I know they don't really mean anything by it - they just don't understand how hypersensitive I am to remarks like that. Take care of yourself
Linda

Hi everyone
Thought i should let you all know.. im okay.Saturday's un-funeral was like a fuzzy dream...filled with people we hadn't seen in 20 years.. time has a way of slipping by you after your 20s... so lost still.. but, a weird thing has happened a few times..i have moments of peace and calm...where does THAT come from?
I had his phone turned off yesterday.officially. "bye Paul".. i said, ..right there at the counter. poor cell phone salesman guy. i am lucky enough to have some friends that helped with some bills. he left me, sadly,with what he had in his wallet and a few half finished flooring jobs. but ill get by. oh last night i did something.. i purposefully listened to our favorite music and cried until my head hurt.
i found his lighter and cigarettes when i went to collect laundry . held them a few seconds.. set them back where they were.. that's another time., not soon. funny things are bothering me, laundry is one..i went to get the clothes off the line before dark, took the first sheet down ,looked up at the clouds and was stopped in my tracks by uncontrollable sobbing, paralyzed at the clothes line...( sighs) Thank you all ,again, so much.i will be back . jane

Grace,
That is what brought me here, all that you described , I'm so sorry for your loss, and wow what a terrible, tragic and senseless thing to have happen to you,and three little boys, im so sorry. I guess im kinda lucky in a way, i have no one that depends on me to get it together every day, our son is 31, except maybe my dog.. who has me on some sort of routine.
This place and the people helped me just by answering my posts, so here i am answering yours.
Its only been 8 days since Paul died, and my body is not mine at times. I'm pretty sure I'm walking differently .. slower, but, anyway, maybe that's a good thing.
You know,now that i think of it.. i think you're the lucky one..having your 3 boys depending on you. One of the things i miss now , in my daily stuff, is some one to take care of. You aren't alone, you just feel that way. Jane

thank you pam

so sorry to hear about your lost . i lost my husband on june 12 of this year he was sick neede a liver transplant was going thru the evaluation process went into the hosp on may 14 ok four days later in intensive care never woke back up the hardest part for me is trying to say goodbye just cant right yet i just wish people would stop telling me that they are sorry and they no how i feel no one knows unless you go thru this thank you guys for helping a little